Saturday, 26 June 2021

Net Zero Cookery Corner

This is the first post in an occasional series on net zero cookery - a domestic catering regime we must become familiar with if we are to push on with our green revolution. Don’t forget – progress means sacrifice means opportunity. 

We begin with a very simple runner bean recipe, bearing in mind that net zero recipes will in general be very simple.

Bean Surprise

This delightfully uncomplicated recipe makes a light lunch when your runner beans have reached their maximum size. Don’t forget though - there is no point picking your beans when they are tender but not yet full sized. In net zero cookery we go for quantity over quality every time - so let them grow, grow, grow.

Another point to remember is that human excrement makes an excellent fertiliser for runner beans so dig lots of it in before the growing season. It’s the net zero way!

We are also assuming you have a garden or allotment where you grow beans because unfortunate people who live in an apartment with no garden will starve anyway.

Rinse your freshly harvested beans in a little rainwater, place them in a pan and add a little more rainwater. Light a small fire using as little of your fuel allowance as possible, bring the pan to the boil and simmer for a few minutes or as long as your fuel allowance dictates.

Strain off the water and reserve for washing while still hot. Toss those delicious beans into a serving dish and invite everyone to tuck in.



Sam Vega said...

Those living near the coast will find that seawater makes an excellent condiment. Those living in land-locked counties (like Derbyshire) might like to try urine.

Scrobs. said...

Living near the coasts also enables the availability of more flints, to start said fire!

Unfortunately, there won't be any metals to strike on them for a spark, so it is suggested that a small stick whirring in a hole in a log for three days may be the answer...

The resultant gases emanating from the body, after three months of bean eating can be collected and used to sell to Denmark as natural gas.

wiggiatlarge said...

And be very careful not to set fire to your Yurt.

A K Haart said...

Sam - seawater could make an excellent condiment, but problems could arise as solar powered sewage works are phased in. Then the seawater shouldn't be collected at night, in cloudy weather or in winter, not until a condiment vaccine is developed.

Scrobs - good idea, our own gases are still not used to their full potential. A generous government subsidy for beans could help too.

A K Haart said...

Wiggia - good point. Maybe all cookery will have to be done outside as we solve the housing crisis with yurts.