Scientists at Fradley University in Staffordshire have
proved conclusively that toast is not an aphrodisiac. It may be eaten in comparative safety
with little or no risk of unwanted attentions from MPs, the Daily Mail or small
Dr Baz Broxtowe has taken time out from his bio-energyresearch
to settle once and for all the sexual role of toast. I met Britain’s
most energetic researcher over coffee in the university cafeteria.
“Was toast ever thought to be an aphrodisiac?” I asked, with my sceptical jounalist's hat firmly in place.
“Consciously no, but you would be surprised how many people
have a slice of toast before going to bed or who wake up in the night craving
toast,” Dr Baz explained.
“That was your clue to an unconscious sexual link?” I asked.
“Absolutely, although the main thrust of our research came
from computer-based nutrition models where toast stuck out as an unexplained
parameter. We couldn’t see the point of it except as an edible marmalade
“Or indeed jam.”
“So this is what prompted you to test the aphrodisiac properties of toast to see
if it serves a deeper purpose than a mere marmalade platform? How did you go
“Firstly we gathered together a group of toast-neutral
subjects who had not consumed toast for at least thirty days. Secondly, and this is the important point, we knew
we had to magnify the potential effect to make it detectable. If there had been
an aphrodisiac element in toast we knew it would be quite small.”
“So your test subjects had to consume more than the usual
amount of toast to enhance any effect?”
“Absolutely. We gave half our subjects a standard dose of
twenty slices of Warburton’s Thick Sliced, lightly toasted and consumed dry with
a little water to aid consumption. We refer to them as the Warburton
Group. In that way we aimed to enhance any possible aphrodisiac effect while
screening out all confounding parameters.”
“Parameters such as butter and marmalade or a nice cup of
“I see – and the other group?”
“They were the control group. We allowed them to eat
anything they wished apart from oysters.”
“And did it work?” I asked.
“It worked extremely well. None of the Warburton Group
exhibited any signs of an aphrodisiac effect at all. Just the opposite in fact."
"Yes. We tested for certain biochemical markers in the blood and compared to the control group the negative effect was quite marked. Unfortunately we can’t actually do any follow-up tests because
the Warburton group have all disappeared. They seem to have changed their mobile phone numbers
too – which is odd.”
“It is odd. So do you intend to repeat the experiment with
“Probably not,” Dr Baz mused after a long hesitation.
“Although there are some loose ends such as a number of subjects from the
Warburton Group who vanished before the experiment was completed. Nevertheless we’ve
demonstrated what we set out to demonstrate.”
So that's that. Another urban myth demolished thanks to the tireless efforts of scientists such as Dr Baz.