Neolithic News

By our Neolithic affairs correspondent Ug Nadiar

Clan Council is in a turmoil because it has been suggested that our traditional way of welcoming visits by the Great Cough is not favoured by the Great Cough himself. An obviously preposterous viewpoint but it gets worse.

It is suggested in certain extremist quarters that staying in our huts, wearing our hoods and with sacred green logs piled onto the fire is not a mark of veneration towards the Great Cough. It is further asserted that this form of worship is unsatisfactory merely because certain particularly favoured huts sometimes burn to the ground during a Great Cough visit.

Clearly the Great Cough allows favoured huts to burn to the ground as a form of approval. Usually these are older huts simply because the Great Cough is known to favour those with well-seasoned timbers. The huts burn down as a mark of respect to Great Cough, thus allowing privileged clan members to offer themselves in the ultimate sacrifice of divine scorchment.

Other clan member inside the burned hut are gloriously maimed as yet another mark of Great Cough favour. Those who dare to sneak out of the burning hut without their hoods and without so much as a singed eyebrow are of course banished for a hand worth of days and nights as a mark of apology to the Great Cough.

Look at the way the Great Cough graciously visited holy Mugg in his private latrine. Look at the way it sealed him in with the burning latrine roof while holy Mugg was engaged in latrine fireplace difficulties. Certain wagging tongues suggested that he should not wear his hood and have a fire in his latrine, but most people see whole incident as a fine tribute to a fairly blameless life.

Great Cough deniers – and yes I am comfortable calling them that even though it almost sounds obscene. These deniers have the effrontery to claim that we would be better off in the open air when the Great Cough deigns to favour our clan with a visit. They say that being gloriously burned in a hut full of smoke is not a mark of respect at all, but a sign of our foolishness.

Clan Council should only decide one way here. The issue is settled and no further discussion is required. Deniers must be forced to stay outside their huts without a hood and must contemplate their foolishness when the Great Cough next favours us with a visit. Nothing else will do. The issue is settled.