There is one coronavirus measure Matt Hancock has consistently missed out in his otherwise inspiring pandemic pronouncements, probably because it has yet to be rolled out. This is the government’s exciting new It’s Cool To Help app which should be available to download soon.
The app sends an automatic phone alert if, for example someone in a café unknowingly finds themselves in close proximity to a person who has previously flouted pandemic requirements such as social distancing, the wearing of a mask or local lockdown measures. The app does this by encouraging users to flag the presence of such a person in their immediate vicinity. If for example that person is not wearing a mask or failed to use the hand gel when entering a shop. Sounds useful but there is more.
It’s Cool To Help is also aimed at secondary schools where all kids will be shown how to download the app if they have not done so already. They will be taught how to use the app plus its range of ancillary functions such as sending automated pandemic advisory texts to friends, relatives and family members. Automated advisory texts on other important issues such as climate change, racism and recycling are likely to be included in future upgrades.
It’s Cool To Help also allows kids to log when friends and family visit pubs, coffee shops, restaurants, churches, evening classes and especially political meetings. The app helpfully offers a risk evaluation for all these activities and even contacts the police if the activity violates government mandated restrictions. Kids collect reward points for everything they report via these useful functions.
Spoof
An obvious spoof of course. Couldn't possibly happen except in the diseased imagination of incurable cynics. Obviously.
3 comments:
There's a woman who runs a shop I often go to. She is a huge stickler for all the new protocols: gel on entering, not handling the produce, masks (she has a beauty!) and two metres. Watching her, I can see she is a blend of snotty officiousness and blind uncomprehending fear.
What is she frightened of? She might, of course, be fearful of catching the virus; an OCD or neurotic type driven to the edge by the current news. Or is she worried about something else? Maybe that I will report her for lax procedures, take a few pictures on my mobile, or maybe reveal myself as a government employee who can close her down or fine her?
Your spoof is not too far from reality. And I googled the name of your scheme, and found that it was first used by...Well, you probably googled it too...!
Thanks a bunch, Sam!
Now everyone will Google this, and see some sort of nobody, spouting something he doesn't understand and cares about less!
What a waste of a 'Ctrl-C' action...
Apart from that mini-tirade, you're spot on with the post Mr H, The kids will do roughly the same as the ginge, a and probably ignore it all after they find that they don't get a free iPad with every tweet!
Sam - your shop owner could be officious by nature, but as you say she could also be worried about being reported for lax procedures. I know I would be in similar circumstances. I'd much prefer to be relaxed but the business would have to come first.
Yes I googled the name of the scheme too - lucky guess though.
Scrobs - I hope they don't do quite the same as the ginge and marry a devious, manipulative creep.
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