Gruel Pie

As media stories circle around the black hole at the centre of civilisation, as we close in on the event horizon of lost opportunity, time slows down and certain things become clearer. For example the reason for cutting 90,000 civil service posts has become more obvious.

The government intends to use those posts to create 90,000 Beadles with a function similar to Mr Bumble in Oliver Twist. The new Beadles will be part of a brand new scheme to distribute sustainably nutritious Net Zero Gruel to those unable to feed themselves adequately.

Each Beadle will have a Net Zero Gruel Kitchen to supervise. The gruel will be officially delicious as well as nutritious, but anyone asking for more or anyone not asking for more could be invited to a Nutritional Education Camp to learn all about the benefits of Net Zero Gruel. It won’t stop there though.

When we are no longer allowed to use gas for domestic heating and the hydrogen boilers keep exploding, those redundant gas mains could be used to pipe gruel direct to the home. It wouldn't be hot of course, but hot gruel is likely to be phased out anyway as power cuts become the norm.    

Another development will be the Net Zero Gruel Pie suitable to be eaten on the go, at sporting events such as football matches or in libraries where people go to keep warm in winter when staff burn a few cancelled books. 

To develop such a pie, the gruel must have a thicker than usual consistency to make the pie easier to handle when eaten. Gruel technologists say this can be achieved in a number of ways such as the addition of certain natural polymers used in the manufacture of notice boards.

More please!