Thursday, 17 October 2013

skool matters

Gosh chiz wot a dismal day for the hole skool. It never ranes but it poors as matron keep saying if any boy dare wake her up with a trivial injury such as crawling into her sordid den on hands and knees dragging a broken leg or crashing about with eyes so bad the pore little chap cant see his homework well enuff to hand it in on time hem hem.

We hav a new head of st custards called mr kameron or smoothichops as peason calls the grate oily oik. Wot is the new head like we all want to kno and will he resort to desperate attaks on pore defenceless boys with the kane like old Grimes of horrible memory?

Well wot smoothichops does with his kane we now kno to our COST. He swings the terrible kane around his oily head with an evil leer and then he sa “it’s only a nudge my boy, only a nudge”. It didn’t feel like a nudge to me chiz chiz.

As if to rub salt into the wound kameron also gave fotherington-thomas a gold star for acting like a gurl. He sa the wet weed is a gay little chap which kameron says is a Good Thing.

Even worse we hav a new deputy head called klegg who scowls a lot and keep nipping off to the bike sheds for a crafty fag cadged off poor boys who don’t smoke of course hem hem. Klegg borrows them anyway tho he say he doesn’t really smoke the friteful fibber.

Wot I do kno is that kameron talks a lot and never agrees with klegg who instead of listening with rapt attention as we hav to goes sneeking off the staff room for yet another fag. The staff room is where teechers plot their evil plans and drink gallons of vile brown tea amung huge grate clouds of thick smoke wich stane the ceeling as brown as the sluge in the skool pond.

Old Kable the maths master never agree with Kameron or Klegg even tho he nods away in skool assembely while they are yakking at us full bore which is all the time. I don’t kno how they have time to breathe wot with all that yak yak yak. Kameron and klegg never nod when the other one is yakking tho.

Peason sa old kable is 157 and only nods a lot in assembely because his brane is so big and heavy for such a stringy ol neck.

Peason also claim klegg v fond of brussels which he says make no sense becos any fule kno you do not hav to eat brussels xcept at xmas and then you give them to the skool dog to make him sick while you park the gravy in fotherington-thomases music bag.

Having done geog homework for once hem hem I kindly inform peason that brussels is not a tiny cabbage wot taste like the skool hedge. It is I say grandly, a place in eurpope where people go to loaf about, talk at each other in loud voices and drink wine before falling over like gillibrand’s pater during sports day outside the beer tent.

Becos he is a general with real medals matron had to pretend gillibrand’s pater had come over all feint but we kno different. He told some dredfully rude army stories just before he fell over tho. I rote them down in the back of my lat book.

Wot a fatefull day. Fotherington-thomas danced up to us and say he can marry peason becos kameron said so. Peason not chuffed and rammed the dere little chaps head into the end lav which never gets fixed and flushed it sixteen times witch is a new skool record. A grate feet witch deserve fifty gold stars in my humbule opinion.

Fotherington-thomas changed his mind about getting marrid to peason after much pathetic blubbing witch at least briten up a gray day.


Sackerson said...

"Peason not chuffed and rammed the dere little chaps head into the end lav which never gets fixed..."

Peason seems to be a whip. Or Mc Bride type? Your roman a clef defeats me in some of the detail.

A K Haart said...

Sackers - there is no detail, you are looking too deeply. I just wrote it to while away a dull afternoon.

Demetrius said...

Actually, I always regarded Captain Grimes as a role model. Apart from that hugely enjoyable.

A K Haart said...

Demetrius - I think there is a touch of Grimes in many of us.