Unconfirmed reports circulating around the Westminster village claim Tony Blair is proposing to buy the Labour party.
“It isn’t worth much, especially with Ed in charge,” said a source who wishes to remain anonymous. “So Tony thinks it could be worth a punt before the next election. It gets him back in the driving seat without all that leadership election malarkey. No mobile phones thudding against the walls either.”
Apparently the Labour party will be renamed the Lord Anthony Blair Offshore United Representatives party. When I pointed out that Mr Blair isn’t yet Lord Blair, the same source muttered that this was merely a question of semantics.
Our understanding is that in essence L.A.B.O.U.R will become what is known in progressive circles as a political-faith investment vehicle. It will be based on the private island of St Lynton, a sparsely inhabited tax haven in the Pacific Ocean. Although unfamiliar to UK voters, this arrangement is not at all unusual among those familiar with modern faith-based politics.
So how will the new arrangement affect current members of what is for now, the Labour Party? “Clearly the name will appear to undergo only a slight change, from word to acronym," my source claimed. "Most people won’t notice,” he added.
However we also understand that a brand new logo may be in the offing too. A red rose is not thought to be appropriate for the twenty first century – and what about policies? Are there plans to bring policy-making into the twenty first century?
“Absolutely,” my source enthused. “Policies will be announced on Twitter, making sure they are highly visible to all relevant voters. Each policy will have to be beautifully succinct of course, but we see this as an advantage in today’s highly mobile grab a coffee, grab a policy world.”
However, the plan may be scuppered by an internal Labour Party plan for what Lord Prescott calls a "manglement buyout".
Watch this space.
Watch this space.