Having obtained an audience of the King an Ingenious Patriot
pulled a paper from his pocket, saying: “May it please your Majesty, I have
here a formula for constructing armour-plating which no gun can pierce. If
these plates are adopted in the Royal Navy our warships will be invulnerable,
and therefore invincible. Here, also, are reports of your Majesty’s Ministers,
attesting the value of the invention. I will part with my right in it for a
million tumtums.”
After examining the papers, the King put them away and
promised him an order on the Lord High Treasurer of the Extortion Department
for a million tumtums.
“And here,” said the Ingenious Patriot, pulling another
paper from another pocket, “are the working plans of a gun that I have
invented, which will pierce that armour. Your Majesty’s Royal Brother, the Emperor
of Bang, is anxious to purchase it, but loyalty to your Majesty’s throne and
person constrains me to offer it first to your Majesty. The price is one
million tumtums.”
Having received the promise of another cheque he thrust his
hand into still another pocket, remarking: “The price of the irresistible gun
would have been much greater, your Majesty, but for the fact that its missiles
can be so effectively averted by my peculiar method of treating the armour
plates with a new—”
The King signed to the Great Head Factotum to approach.
“Search this man,” he said, “and report how many pockets he has.”
“Forty-three,
Sire,” said the Great Head Factotum, completing the scrutiny.
“May it please
your Majesty,” cried the Ingenious Patriot, in terror, “one of them contains
tobacco.”
“Hold him up by the ankles and shake him,” said the King; “then give
him a cheque for forty-two million tumtums and put him to death. Let a decree
issue declaring ingenuity a capital offence.”
Ambrose Bierce - Fantastic Fables (1899)
2 comments:
Is the Patriot's great grandson now anything to do with procurement at the Ministry of Defence?
Demetrius - yes he is. Something to do with aircraft carriers I imagine.
Post a Comment