Happy New Year

Blimey it’s New Year resolution time again.

For 2015 I’m thinking of something genuinely improving or useful such painting the lawn a nice shade of cerise. Green is such a tacky colour these days isn’t it? I blame Greenpeace myself. I know it’s unfair of me but that’s another compelling reason to blame them.

Or how about taking more interest in celebrities? The other day I had to look up Kim Kardythingy because I’d no idea who she is. It’s not good enough is it?

I should know these things by a process of celebrity osmosis. Maybe mine is missing or blocked up. Anyhow, after extensive research I now know that Ms Kardythingy is famous for her rump. Seems odd butt there it is.

Moving on from pneumatic rumps, what political adventures may we look forward to in 2015? Well we have a general election coming up which should be as exciting as a special offer on Kleenex albeit markedly less profitable or exciting. What about the prospects though? Which bunch of liars is destined to occupy the golden sty this time round?

Before we begin our deliberations, perhaps we need a new word for people who think Ed Miliband would make a fine Prime Minister? Surely moron is inadequate here, although it fits Cameron voters well enough I suppose.

Even so, moron is unsatisfactory. It doesn't worm its way into all the nooks and crannies. The world cries out for a word which encapsulates a much more profound, much deeper and more slug-like level of imbecility. So there’s a task for 2015.

Maybe we should also personalise our political parties. In keeping with our modern taste for the infantile we could rename the three main parties Ed’s Crew, Dave’s Gang and Nick’s Off. Even morons might find a clue in there somewhere.

Well that’s not many resolutions herded together in time for the fireworks and champagne. Apart from the cerise lawn that seems to be it. Not enough to guide me to a new and brighter self as 2015 dawns. Ah well, maybe I’ll think up a few resolutions in time for next year.

Happy New Year.