Wednesday, 22 August 2012


I’ve been busy grappling with the possibility that “David Cameron” is a figment of my imagination and the talking suit I see on TV is just a crudely-made cyborg. Why imaginations have figments is a subject for some other time, but I’m wondering if “Cameron” is one of them.

  • Has anyone actually seen him? Not anyone I know, so that’s the first clue.
  • He’s absurdly improbable – that’s the second and conclusive clue.

Look at his face for example. Does it remind you of anything?


Okay it might not be polythene, but some other smooth and flexible polymer is an obvious possibility. It could be one of the fluorinated polymers used for non-stick pans. An interesting technical problem in some ways, but I’m not sure anything complex is warranted here. Polythene is cheap so it fits the persona.

Now consider his political chums, beginning with “Nick Clegg”. Well there’s another figment if ever there was one. I don’t believe in “Clegg” for one minute. He doesn’t even make sense – he just babbles. Could be a prototype I suppose, but that’s too easy. Figment is more likely.

One option I've considered in some detail is that "Clegg" is a cardboard cut-out with some kind of WiFi speaker stuck to the back of his head. Do we ever see him sideways on though? Need to check.

Hasn't “Cameron” been on holiday recently? Off to the repair shop for an upgrade more likely. There is much to do. A more human-like face would be a good place to start – polythene really wasn’t a good idea for the longer term. He’s another babbler too. That needs to be sorted and installing Windows 8 won't be much help - it's too much for his floppy drive to handle.

Some kind of old-fashioned intercom linked to an office in Whitehall would be more practical than a fancy new operating system. Nobody will notice as long as the voice remains the same. There is the issue of the UK nuclear deterrent key, but I doubt very much if “Cameron” has been entrusted with that.

When he comes back from the repair shop I’ll pay close attention to signs of improvement - if any. It may turn out that they have limited their efforts to fixing the babble.

No doubt we’ll see some slight evidence of a minor upgrade, but I have my doubts.


Sam Vega said...

I would also suggest that George Osborne is the result of a CIA or similar programme in implanting microchip technology into humans.

"OK, gentlemen, you have already proven that we can control thoughts and emotions in subjects via skull implants. Now your challenge is to see whether you can take a totally undistinguished and third-rate subject and use the technology to get him into a position of real power. Choose a friendly but declining country country - I suggest the Brits or Portuguese - and see if you can maintain power and semi-credibility for, say, three years. Gentlemen, if we can do this, then we move on to the bigger prizes..."

WitteringsfromWitney said...

Has anyone seen him (Cameron)?

Actually I have AKH, many times - he is after all my MP.

Unfortunately he most definitely is for real.

Anonymous said...

Steve Bell in the Grauniad has them to a T.

Demetrius said...

Can you trust a man who relies on bad tempered horses and broken winded newspaper editors? Hang on, I have got that the right way round?

A K Haart said...

Sam - that's too good to miss - if I can find a pic I'll post it!

Witterings - no polythene? How disappointing. But did you x-ray his head? It's the only way to be sure.

Roger - thanks, I'll take a look.

Demetrius - no it sounds fine to me!

James Higham said...

Okay it might not be polythene, but some other smooth and flexible polymer is an obvious possibility.


A K Haart said...

James - well he does look a little odd to me.