Monthly horoscope - Pisces

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Magical birthstone - Coffinite.
Lucky phrase         - Don't answer it.
Lucky dictionary    - Oxfod English.

Pisceans have a hard-headed, no nonsense approach to almost everything but real life. This can be a disadvantage, but the Piscean's natural charm and unfailing good nature usually make up for it. I'm thinking of last year of course, when too many Pisceans simply would not heed my warnings about mauve wallpaper. Still, enough of that because it's the future we are all interested in now. At least I hope so.

Now then - to more serious matters. What are we going to do about the Olympics? Because the stars insist you haven't a prayer in the long jump and as for synchronised swimming - well we'd better not go there - which of course you won't. Not with that attitude anyway. Is a gold medal in synchronised swimming a laughing matter though? I don't think so.

Neptune cavorting around the fifth quadrant suggests there may be some good news due on the origami front. In fact craft work generally looks favourable - anything creative on wood, nice fabrics or even ice-cream strangely enough. The only thing the stars advise you to avoid here are big ideas, especially relating to industrial quantities of Play-Doh.

Monthly horoscope - Aquarius

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Magical birthstone - Blingite.
Lucky virtue          - Sobriety.
Lucky breakfast    - Tinned prunes.

All you aquarians out there are in luck, because an unusually vivid flash of inspiration will blow your mind the next time you buy socks from the Post Office. Quite what this flash of inspiration may be, the stars aren't prepared to say, but it could be either a completely new shade of bathroom paint or a cunning plan to avoid global Armageddon. Exciting times.

Next Tuesday is another unusual day as you are invited to contribute to British Knitwear Week. Quite how you became a knitwear expert is impossible for even Saturn to discern, but get in some training is what the stars advise because this may be your big break. But a new set of knitting needles is step one and I hope I don't have to explain why. No more hints, but this isn't Fairisle territory so think dramatic!

The next big thing in your life is a cruise or screws - I can't quite make out which, but surely it could be good news either way don't you think?

As usual we have to consider work and your prospects of promotion. Things are a little murky at the moment, but you may as well speak your mind at work because your colleagues will respect you for it. Well Librans won't, of course, but what do you expect from them and their silly scales and so-called rational arguments? Stick to your guns and don't volunteer crucial information without a real flourish may be the best tactic.

If you are a decision-maker, then try to make your decisions more mysterious than perhaps they may have been in the past. Just a hint, but clarity isn't always a good career tactic - as the stars seem to know well, blast them.

Monthly horoscope - Capricorn

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Magical birthstone - Gravel.
Lucky sandwich    - Jam n'pilchard.
Lucky tool            - Lump hammer.

During the Christmas period and way into the New Year, capricorns are just lucky, lucky, lucky, happy, happy, happy, frisky, frisky, frisky - unless your name isn't Ken.

The stars are being a little mysterious at the moment, particularly Pluto and Mickey. I see lots of good cheer over Christmas even for non-Kens, with mountains of food, buckets of booze and the most fanciful New Year resolutions ever dreamed up either side of sanity. Steer clear of the one about naked chocolate-fighting though, it really isn't you is it?

And what about the New Year? I suppose you want to know how the economy will fare and how the Eurozone will climb triumphantly out of its self-inflicted mess. And when will all that global warming finally turn up and give us all a treat? Well here's what the stars say:-

January - the Euro is replaced by the Deutsche-Euro, Franc-Euro, Lira-Euro etc, thus saving the Euro.
February - Nick Clegg says the UK must eventually adopt the Pound-Euro or risk isolation.
March - the Met Office say winter 2011/12 was normal for the time of year and asks for a new computer because the old one rattles.
April - the Lira-Euro trades at 0.3 Deutsche-Euros and Angela Merkel accuses the Italians of not playing fair.
May - David Cameron triumphant as he negotiates a new deal for UK banana growers.
June - a row erupts as Nick Clegg claims the UK is now isolated on the banana issue.
July - a wind turbine crashes on Chris Huhne's ministerial car. The Duke of Edinburgh suggests a national holiday.
August - record A level results - nobody gets less than A or A* in any subject. A** to be introduced next year.
September - the Met Office publishes a new study showing how the Olympics were rained off because of climate change and asks for a new computer because the old one squeaks as well as rattling.
October - the huge mix-up in university places is not the fault of the government says the government. A huge new Univerity of Hinckley to open next year.
November - the Higgs boson turns out to be made of cheese.
December - the end of the year widely predicted except by the Met Office which says it needs a new computer because the noise made by the old one has become an urgent health and safety issue.
   

Monthly horoscope - Sagittarius

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Magical birthstone  - Rocksalt.
Lucky road            - M25.
Lucky dog             - Baskerville.

Sagittarians are a cheerful lot, good at designing sheds and boomerangs, but I'm afraid there is a less than usual to be cheerful about this month. There are a few highlights for the astronauts among you and fitness receives a boost too, but otherwise not much to cheer you up as the horrors of Christmas loom.

I suppose the first thing to mention is the sewage fountain next Saturday afternoon, the DIY job you won't forget for quite a while. How you intend to deal with it I don't know, but super-absorbent kitchen towels won't hack it. I suppose there's no chance of moving house before then?

Anyway moving on to the antics of Neptune and Krypton, because I do have some interesting news about your plan to start up in opposition to the Royal Mint. Apparently it isn't actually legal to print your own money on an inkjet printer - the ink runs and there are various other difficulties which suggest to me that you might like to reconsider. Bit of a bummer though, isn't it?

Next Tuesday Princess Anne calls round to ask if you've seen anything of Charles lately. She may be mistaking you for someone else of course, but the stars suggest you shouldn't let on. You'll find her a little scary, so a few stiff drinks wouldn't come amiss. She doesn't drink whisky and cola though, so don't offer if you'd rather steer clear of that icy stare.

Christmas presents next. The stars advise you to shop early and stick to anything that comes in a bottle except British Sherry. Petrol is always welcome at the moment. Unfortunately the stars don't see anything interesting for you present-wise, so why not buy your own this year? Get something you really want, but keep it legal eh? We don't want a repeat of last year do we?

Monthly horoscope - Scorpio

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Magical birthstone  - Lycralite.
Lucky Viking         - Noggin the Nog.
Lucky horoscope   - Pisces.

Scorpios tend to be loud and emphatic in their approach to career advice, but more in the giving than the taking. They make good town criers and leapfrog instructors, although excessive ambition can be a problem here. Think of others should be your motto for this month, so your boss should be treated with much more deference than usual... Well some deference at least.  

Next Tuesday, a close relative is arrested for hurling a rat at the Prime Minister but you are not as ashamed as you might expect, since neither rat could possibly have been harmed by the incident. Laugh it off. Those big men who knock your front door down are basically bureaucrats. Drive them away by talking loudly and impressively of paperwork, schemes of delegation, responsibility and duty of care.

This isn't the time for Scorpios to be tight-fisted, although next week a neighbour offers you unlimited quantities of illicit "whisky" for £1.50 per litre bottle. The stars suggest this is a little too cheap to be entirely consistent with sound vision and no brain-damage. Try cleaning the patio with it, although not on bonfire night of course.

As for that new theory of Shakespeare authorship you've been working on, well now may be the time to read it through with a somewhat more critical eye than usual. The advice of the stars is unusually specific here. Burn it and eat the ashes.

And so to cake, which the flattering attentions of Venus suggest should be chocolate cake. Try it late at night with viciously strong Old Java coffee and your favoured musical accompaniment. Enjoy. Nothing lasts, not even the stars.

Monthly horoscope - Libra

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Magical birthstone - Sequinite.
Lucky fish             - mullet.
Unlucky haircut     - mullet.

People born under the sign of Libra often have problems with soft-furnishings and out of date Tesco vouchers, but with Mars sidling towards a cosy conjunction with Krypton, there could be more serious issues to cope with. I'm getting glue and contact-lenses from the stars, so if it means anything to you, take care.

Later in the month you are asked by the Minsister of Taste to design a new Olympics art gallery for 2012. It should have been started sooner really, but what with one thing and another it slipped through the net. Anyway, the stars advise you to give it a go. Something inflatable is indicated here because of the time restrictions. Mind how you hang the pictures though, some of them can be quite expensive and not just the old-looking ones. It might be best all round if you just duct tape them to the walls for now. The Minister won't mind as she isn't at all artistic and the PM will have other things on his "mind".

At some point you need to get a grip on finances - either that or fiancés or fiancées, or possibly even furnaces. Visibility isn't too good around the fifth quartile, so I'm not sure about the advice I should be passing on. Could be a bit of fogging on my crystal balls, so let's keep it open shall we - cover all the bases? May as well include fencing in that case I suppose. 

Rail travel is best avoided all month unless you actually got round to buying those new running shoes on Tuesday. However, this is a good time for new hobbies and cookery prospects look really good, especially for all you Libran accountants out there. I'm also getting a few hints about the therapeutic benefits of extreme Scrabble and trading in antique condoms, so I'll leave them with you as possibilities.

The one thing Saturn insists on warning you about this month is taking snuff while swimming. It's actually quite dangerous and very unpleasant to watch. All in all, the stars suggest it may be best to leave the snuffbox at home instead of slipping it into your swimming trunks as usual.  

Monthly horoscope - Virgo

Virgo (August 23- September 22)

Magical birthstone - shale.
Lucky marsupial    - wombat.
Auspicious month  - Octember

As your magical birthstone is shale, you Virgos never quite manage to have things all your own way, as I'm afraid you are bound to find out this month. With Mercury nipping in and out of the ninth octant, things are a little tricky all the way through, although there are some bright spots to look forward to, especially in connection with recently liberated prestige toasters.

Next Thursday is a date for your calendar too, because this is Chocolate Day, or at least something dark, or brown, or sticky. Can't be sure - sorry about that - tread carefully.

Later in the month you may receive a letter from the council explaining why climate change is entirely your fault and the UN wants to know what on earth (or more likely What On Earth) you propose to do about it. Virgos you see are not terribly green and you know perfectly well all that alcohol you are distilling in the shed has nothing to do with biofuels and saving the planet. Drink it quickly and quietly with a little fresh orange juice is what the stars advise, but that's what they always say in my limited experience.

In a few weeks you may well have the urge to start a new hobby such as holistic leaping, soap sculpture or putting together a nice collection of vintage Formica. It's a sign of something, but the stars seem to have no idea what so don't get too excited.

Monthly horoscope - Leo

Leo - (July 23 to August 22)

With the moon lording it over our weekends and Mars hanging around Venus hoping for something new and exciting to happen, there isn't much chance of  you getting your five a day this month. Not sure what that means actually, but the stars have spoken, even though Pluto is sulking in the outer quadrants as usual.

On Friday, a man with a huge bag of cucumbers will accost you in the street to ask if your mobile phone needs a damn good hacking. Walk away quickly because he doesn't mean what you think he means. He may in fact be an amateur embalmer, but that side of things is a little hazy.

Next Tuesday, your wild hunch about the guy next door turns out to be horribly accurate. Lending him your second-best flame-thrower may not have been advisable, but who can tell with Saturn being so frisky?

Underwear is less of a problem this month, although you shouldn't become complacent about quality. A few cases of militant woodworm in your office desk leave you even more exhausted than usual, but never mind, there is always chocolate. Not on Tuesday of course - that would be a disaster in view of the big lawn-mower race. I still advise against an electric Flymo here, because it's yours to lose you know after all that nightly training which annoyed the neighbours so much.

Towards the end of the month you arrive home to find dog shit on the sole of your sock, but not your shoe. You can't work out how it happened, but don't worry, the answer is beyond human comprehension. As are some dog-owners of course.

Monthly horoscope – Cancer

Cancer - (22 June-22 July)

With Pluto barging into the fifth lunar quadrant and Venus trolling around with Saturn and Jupiter, there isn’t much to look forward to over the coming month as far as Cancerians are concerned. And they should be concerned, but life goes on as they say.

On Tuesday you are accosted by a man wearing yellow gloves and a false hat. He’ll talk to you about Nostradamus or broadband speeds, but either way he’s best ignored. He isn’t your cousin either, although he might claim to be.

We’ll skip the matching pitbulls with rhinestone collars, so apart from the minor explosions, the next thing to look out for is the letter from David Cameron next Thursday where he demands your bank account details. In the letter, which will look quite official, he’ll claim you are personally responsible for the Greek debt and need to own up to your responsibilities. Don’t worry, it’s only a circular. Sit tight and the man will go away, although not for some time obviously, as all Cancerians will find to their cost.

A few surprised indicated for the following weekend, but nothing a large bucket of hot, soapy water can’t sort out. Not too hot though, eh?