Where is the fabled Chilcot Report? David Cameron has reluctantly decided to bow to the demands of a new pressure group - Spare Nobody And Rescue Chilcot or SNARC as it is known.
A group of journalists assembled at Southampton for the official SNARC launch. Lord Bellman leads the expedition together with a crew of experienced explorers. When asked what approach he intends to adopt in tracking down the Chilcot Report, Lord Bellman replied
"'You may seek it with thimbles—and seek it with care;
You may hunt it with forks and hope;
You may threaten its life with a railway-share;
You may charm it with smiles and soap—'"
“Ask comrade Corbyn about threatening people with railway shares,” Mr Cameron butted in with a smirk, but Lord Bellman ignored him while we took our first look at his crew.
The crew was complete: it included a Boots—
A maker of Bonnets and Hoods—
A Barrister, brought to arrange their disputes—
And a Broker, to value their goods.
A Billiard-marker, whose skill was immense,
Might perhaps have won more than his share—
But a Banker, engaged at enormous expense,
Had the whole of their cash in his care.
A Banker, a Broker and a Barrister? Oh dear. Many of those present were already doubtful about SNARC. Some have suggested we need a Parliamentary inquiry, but isn’t that bound to include a Banker, a Broker and a Barrister? We looked on as Lord Bellman outlined the route his expedition would take.
He had bought a large map representing the sea,
Without the least vestige of land:
And the crew were much pleased when they found it to be
A map they could all understand.
So with map in hand and with his intrepid crew assembled, Lord Bellman caught the ferry to the Isle of Wight, his first port of call in search of the Chilcot Report.
"Just the place for a SNARC!" Lord Bellman cried,
As he landed his crew with care;
Supporting each man on the top of the tide
By a finger entwined in his hair.
"Just the place for a SNARC! I have said it twice:
That alone should encourage the crew.
Just the place for a SNARC! I have said it thrice:
What I tell you three times is true."
Will Lord Bellman find the Chilcot Report on the Isle of Wight? Does it require something more than threefold repetition? Is he the right chap for the job?
We shall see.
Or perhaps we won’t.