No Minister

Alternative script :-

‘Ah - good morning Humphrey.’

‘Good morning minister – I trust your cabinet meeting went well?’

‘As well as can be expected I suppose, but never mind that Humphrey – I’m wet.’

‘Wet Minister? Do you mean politically - as in Mrs Thatcher’s day?’

‘Very funny Humphrey. No I mean wet as in my trousers are wet. I was caught in a shower even though I distinctly remember the Met Office telling us this morning that it would be dry all day.’

‘Oh dear...’

‘It’s not a matter of oh dear, Humphrey. We are spending billions on climate change and the Met Office can’t even predict today’s weather – today.’

‘Most regrettable Minister...’

‘No Humphrey it isn’t regrettable, it’s incompetent. My trousers are wet.’

‘Minister, the Met Office cannot be expected to be right about every single forecast every single day. Even a minister, even an able minister as you Minister would balk at claiming to be infallible.’

‘I’m not expecting infallibility Humphrey. Who is the head of the Met Office? I think I’ll have a word.’

‘An eminent scientist, Minister. You are surely not looking to be drowned in scientific weather forecasting technicalities are you – especially with wet trousers.’

‘Very droll Humphrey. Who is he – or she?’

‘As I said Minister, a most eminent scientist highly respected in the arcane world of meteorology.’

‘Who?’

‘An eminent scientist...’

‘You don’t know do you Humphrey? Well find out for me please. I’m determined to have my say on this one.’

‘Certainly Minister, but surely you do not expect to initiate changes to our climate policies. Ha ha ha...’

‘It isn't funny Humphrey. Suppose all of our climate policies are based on unsound science - just like this morning's blasted weather forecast?’

‘Really Minister...’

‘Well suppose they are Humphrey... just imagine the outcry if it ever got out. Billions wasted... we might as well burn ten pound notes to keep warm... That's rather good isn't it. I may use it in the House the next time the opposition drones on about the way we implement our climate policies.’

‘Those billions are not wasted Minister. Our climate policies provide employment, innovation and British technological leadership in the global race to a green future. We can't afford not to spend... invest in it.’

‘But the science...’

‘Really Minister - what does science have to do with anything - ever? Our climate policies are based on policy – not science. Our science policies are too if it comes to that.’

‘Really?’

‘Of course Minister. If the science fails for whatever reason to support our policies which are after all enacted for the ultimate good of the British people and of course the whole of humanity, then if as I say, that is indeed the case then it is incumbent on us here in the Ministry to seek out that science and indeed those scientists who first and foremost show an in-depth understanding of our policies.’

‘So... so you are saying it’s not actually a matter for the scientists?’

‘No Minister.’