Slice off life

There has been some debate recently about a ban on unsliced bread proposed by the EU Working Group on Domestic Safety. It has long been known that EU policy-makers are unhappy with the current levels of domestic risk. Although a zero-tolerance policy is thought to be a step to far at the moment, a number of ameliorative proposals are in the pipeline. One of the first will be to phase out unsliced bread in order to cut down the current high level of domestic slicing accidents.

Action on Bread, an EU-funded charity has no doubts about the wisdom of such a proposal. “Slicing accidents are already far too high and are set to rise uncontrollably if we don’t do something now,” said AoB spokesperson Liz Wonks. “Nine-fingered kids are already with us, entirely due to a fatal combination of hungry children and unsliced bread. Our research shows it won’t stop there and there is only one answer, a total ban on unsliced bread.”

A scientific paper recently published by Professor Bob Goofe of the Creative Risks Unit (CRU) attached to East Ongar University shows quite clearly that slicing bread in the home poses an unacceptable risk to EU citizens. However, Professor Goofe declined to release his data on the current and future levels of bread-slicing accidents used in his computer model. He said the data would be “misinterpreted by the wealthy and influential unsliced bread lobby.”