Friday, 20 May 2011

It’s how EU do it

An interesting new paper from the EU adds another strand to recent concerns over the health of its citizens. This new paper is not a Directive of course or even an Advisory, but a discussion paper on the vexed question of our health. More specifically, the paper, coyly named 2011/1063/ECH, is concerned with the possible physical risks inherent in making love.

The first issue tackled by 2011/1063/ECH is that of position. What positions, it asks, do EU citizens generally adopt during intercourse, and are they safe? Most citizens apparently adopt the well-known missionary position, which the EU classes as perfectly safe if both partners are physically fit and not unduly mismatched with respect to size. Other positions, such as the “crab-fight” and the “three-toed sloth” are considered dubious, simply from the point of view of avoiding unnecessary accidents. Mushy peas are dismissed as “positively dangerous”.

The paper certainly dismisses some urban myths on the subject, such as the idea that certain special positions can cause the man’s testicles to explode. This possibility the paper dismisses as “highly improbable.”

The paper also tries to discourage the use of extraneous substances while making love, such as cream, chocolate, strawberry jelly and field mice. All in all, a mixed bag I’d say, although that too is frowned on by the EU.

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