The Paltrie Prize

The well-known scientist Professor Baz Kitcaisse of the Creative Risks Unit (CRU) attached to East Ongar University has been awarded the first Paltrie Prize for his work on the new science of creative risk analysis.

The Partrie Prize was endowed by Lord Paltrie whose family fortune is based on the Paltrie Capital investment trust set up by his father in 1957. A little while ago the family firm moved to the Cayman Islands for health and other reasons, but Lord Paltrie still retains a keen interest in UK science. Any suggestion that the Paltrie Prize is intended to compete against the Nobel is firmly scotched by the Paltrie Committee whose members now administer the Prize on what has been described as an “unpaid” basis.

The Paltrie Prize citation describes Professor Kitcaisse as “A pioneer in the new and rapidly expanding science of creative risk analysis, developing supercomputer models of previously unheard-of possibilities.” The modest award ceremony was held at Paltrie Hall where after the presentation, Professor Kitcaisse entertained the assembled dignitaries in a typically witty and erudite fashion.

“We have devised a range of unique analytical tools to inform and advise policy-makers in areas formerly closed to the scientific method.” Professor Kitcaisse began. “Some may say, they were closed to the scientific mind too‑”

“Or even common bloody sense,” came a loud voice from the back of the hall. Amid a ripple of nervous laughter, an unnamed individual was gently hustled away by two large men in dark suits.

Professor Baz shrugged modestly before continuing. “The Paltrie isn’t the Nobel and the Nobel isn’t the Paltrie, but I can can’t say how pleased I am to be the first Paltrie Laureate.” In a moving tribute to his team at the Creative Risks Unit, he simply said, “I couldn’t have done it without them. In fact to be quite frank I had a pretty dodgy time doing it with them too, but that’s all water under the bridge as far as I’m concerned. I don’t harbour grudges and anyway, the moaners and pedants have left and it hasn’t done my TV work any harm.”