Thursday, 1 January 2015

Toast is not an aphrodisiac

Scientists at Fradley University in Staffordshire have proved conclusively that toast is not an aphrodisiac. It may be eaten in comparative safety with little or no risk of unwanted attentions from MPs, the Daily Mail or small dogs.

Dr Baz Broxtowe has taken time out from his bio-energyresearch to settle once and for all the sexual role of toast. I met Britain’s most energetic researcher over coffee in the university cafeteria.

“Was toast ever thought to be an aphrodisiac?” I asked, with my sceptical jounalist's hat firmly in place.

“Consciously no, but you would be surprised how many people have a slice of toast before going to bed or who wake up in the night craving toast,” Dr Baz explained.

“That was your clue to an unconscious sexual link?” I asked.

“Absolutely, although the main thrust of our research came from computer-based nutrition models where toast stuck out as an unexplained parameter. We couldn’t see the point of it except as an edible marmalade platform.”

“Or jam?”

“Or indeed jam.”

“So this is what prompted you to test the aphrodisiac properties of toast to see if it serves a deeper purpose than a mere marmalade platform? How did you go about it?”

“Firstly we gathered together a group of toast-neutral subjects who had not consumed toast for at least thirty days. Secondly, and this is the important point, we knew we had to magnify the potential effect to make it detectable. If there had been an aphrodisiac element in toast we knew it would be quite small.”

“So your test subjects had to consume more than the usual amount of toast to enhance any effect?”

“Absolutely. We gave half our subjects a standard dose of twenty slices of Warburton’s Thick Sliced, lightly toasted and consumed dry with a little water to aid consumption. We refer to them as the Warburton Group. In that way we aimed to enhance any possible aphrodisiac effect while screening out all confounding parameters.”

“Parameters such as butter and marmalade or a nice cup of tea?”

“That’s it.”

“I see – and the other group?”

“They were the control group. We allowed them to eat anything they wished apart from oysters.”

“And did it work?” I asked.

“It worked extremely well. None of the Warburton Group exhibited any signs of an aphrodisiac effect at all. Just the opposite in fact."


"Yes. We tested for certain biochemical markers in the blood and compared to the control group the negative effect was quite marked. Unfortunately we can’t actually do any follow-up tests because the Warburton group have all disappeared. They seem to have changed their mobile phone numbers too – which is odd.”

“It is odd. So do you intend to repeat the experiment with another group?”

“Probably not,” Dr Baz mused after a long hesitation. “Although there are some loose ends such as a number of subjects from the Warburton Group who vanished before the experiment was completed. Nevertheless we’ve demonstrated what we set out to demonstrate.”

So that's that. Another urban myth demolished thanks to the tireless efforts of scientists such as Dr Baz.


Sackerson said...

It's the researchers into the effects of beer that interest me. And how to get the research grant.

Demetrius said...

Warburtons? Oh dear, is that really bread as we know it? Real bread and with good quality collar bacon if you please in a bacon sandwich. Food for the gods and certainly for other things.

Woodsy42 said...

But do croissants work?

James Higham said...

We need a taxpayer funded study group on these conclusions.

A K Haart said...

Sackers - you may have to self fund this area of research for a while. Can't you relate it to climate change? Long summer evenings - that kind of thing?

Demetrius - we mostly bake our own too. We have a new bacon source to try soon so things are looking up.

Woodsy - you never know. Croissants are quite good for energy, we have them for breakfast before a walk.

James - I think the bakery industry would fund it like a shot if there was even a hint of a possibility.

Julia Gasper said...

People believe that toast makes your hair curl, not that it's aphrodisiac.

A K Haart said...

Julia - are you sure? How is it applied?

Andy Dan said...

Many years ago, somebody told me there was once a brothel in Cardiff situated in the rooms above a bakery called "The Rising Dough" Sadly, it is long gone and I never had the chance to sample the offerings at either establishment.

A K Haart said...

Andy - I suppose you could have tried the bakery first and asked for a couple of rolls - to see what happens.