Monday, 30 December 2013

2014 - twenty predictions

 1 Nick Clegg turns out to be an experimental android. The latest version of his software isn’t backwardly compatible but nobody notices.

 2 Ed Davey says people should store their electricity for winter use.

 3 Climate scientists officially adopt the phrase piss off when asked why global warming has stalled.

 4 Other scientists claim there are significant health risks for men with beards. 

 5 The possibility that beards pose a problem for facial-recognition security systems is denied by a beardy from the security industry.

 6 A Tory nobody has ever heard of claims beards are immoral anyway, triggering a storm of Twitter abuse and accusations of racism.

 7 The new wonder food is said to be white bread fried in salted butter.

 8 Scientists from Derby University produce a highly controversial report titled Alcohol Shrinks Yer Brane.

 9 Bombs go off in the Middle East. Innocent people, including children are blown to pieces. Twitter remains comparatively silent.

10 Al Gore claims to have invented fruitcake.

11 A new particle is discovered at CERN. It is named the zappon because it goes round zapping other particles. This is thought to confirm a theory that the universe is merely a computer game.

12 Governments continue to print money so people can spend it on junk.

13 Junk becomes more expensive.

14 A rational idea causes a huge outcry. 

15 Rational idea dropped.

16 Scientists produce a report claiming that dying from cold is a pleasant way to go, especially in winter. On the whole, dead people do not disagree.

17 Greenpeace researchers produce a report claiming that electricity produced from coal is dirty. They say it stains energy-saving light bulbs, causing them to go dim earlier than they should.

18 The Arctic fails to be ice-free again. The BBC fails to notice.

19 An untalented nobody becomes somebody via the miracle of television.

20 A few inhabitants of blogland notice the world has gone completely mad - consequently there is no mass panic.


Sam Vega said...

Number 16 is interesting. George Monbiot has an interesting take. Apparently we nearly lost him...

A K Haart said...

Sam - I've never been that close, but once or twice I've become chilled while out walking in wind and rain. Didn't notice anything until I arrived home and realised how cold I was.

Demetrius said...

Number 7, surely white bread (or toast) and dripping is the real health food of the future? Lightly salted, of course and taken with stewed tea with condensed milk and several spoons of sugar. A feast!!!

A K Haart said...

Demetrius - I'd forgotten dripping. Lightly salted with plenty of jelly.