Monthly horoscope - Capricorn

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Magical birthstone - Gravel.
Lucky sandwich    - Jam n'pilchard.
Lucky tool            - Lump hammer.

During the Christmas period and way into the New Year, capricorns are just lucky, lucky, lucky, happy, happy, happy, frisky, frisky, frisky - unless your name isn't Ken.

The stars are being a little mysterious at the moment, particularly Pluto and Mickey. I see lots of good cheer over Christmas even for non-Kens, with mountains of food, buckets of booze and the most fanciful New Year resolutions ever dreamed up either side of sanity. Steer clear of the one about naked chocolate-fighting though, it really isn't you is it?

And what about the New Year? I suppose you want to know how the economy will fare and how the Eurozone will climb triumphantly out of its self-inflicted mess. And when will all that global warming finally turn up and give us all a treat? Well here's what the stars say:-

January - the Euro is replaced by the Deutsche-Euro, Franc-Euro, Lira-Euro etc, thus saving the Euro.
February - Nick Clegg says the UK must eventually adopt the Pound-Euro or risk isolation.
March - the Met Office say winter 2011/12 was normal for the time of year and asks for a new computer because the old one rattles.
April - the Lira-Euro trades at 0.3 Deutsche-Euros and Angela Merkel accuses the Italians of not playing fair.
May - David Cameron triumphant as he negotiates a new deal for UK banana growers.
June - a row erupts as Nick Clegg claims the UK is now isolated on the banana issue.
July - a wind turbine crashes on Chris Huhne's ministerial car. The Duke of Edinburgh suggests a national holiday.
August - record A level results - nobody gets less than A or A* in any subject. A** to be introduced next year.
September - the Met Office publishes a new study showing how the Olympics were rained off because of climate change and asks for a new computer because the old one squeaks as well as rattling.
October - the huge mix-up in university places is not the fault of the government says the government. A huge new Univerity of Hinckley to open next year.
November - the Higgs boson turns out to be made of cheese.
December - the end of the year widely predicted except by the Met Office which says it needs a new computer because the noise made by the old one has become an urgent health and safety issue.