The little-known Theory of Plonkerdom tells us that being a plonker is often a useful social asset. So much so that plonkerdom is one of our most important lifestyle choices, an essential aspect of social and political life. Why this is so and why many ambitious people are attracted to plonkerdom is easily illustrated by two examples.
1. Volcanoes are caused by huge mutant moles
This is the easy one, a gentle introduction to basic plonkerdom. The only question we need to ask is – “how do different people respond to the above statement?”
Firstly, anyone not versed in plonkerdom would treat the idea as either ridiculous or the prelude to some Pythonesque comedy.
Secondly, anyone versed in plonkerdom would first ask “is this a popular idea and if so popular with whom?” The obvious answers are “no” and “nobody” but only after this initial query does the answer become “ridiculous”. Plonkerdom academics often refer to this initial query as the “preliminary plonkerdom scan”.
2. High house prices are good for the economy.
Still easy but fractionally less ridiculous than no. 1. An introduction to more advanced plonkerdom where plonkerdom strategies start to become important. As with the first example there are two standpoints, one outside plonkerdom and one inside.
Firstly, anyone not versed in plonkerdom understands the advantages of lower costs, so cheaper houses would be good for the economy, not expensive houses. Their answer might be “wrong, high house prices are a mean-spirited burden on young people”.
Secondly, anyone versed in plonkerdom would first ask “is this a popular idea and if so popular with whom?” The obvious answers are “yes” and “home owners plus many other influential sections of society”. Only after this initial query does the answer become “correct, high house prices are good for the economy.”
The invisible hand of plonkerdom
I hope these two simple examples are sufficient to show how useful it is for an ambitious person to assume the mantle of plonkerdom. Having the opinions of a plonker can be very advantageous; one might almost say essential to social and political life.
So the key point of plonkerdom is this: it is important to hold opinions which give one a social advantage and naturally enough those are opinions held in common with the right kind of people.
People outside the charmed circle of plonkerdom are often frustrated by what appears to be an utterly mysterious social and political force – the invisible hand of plonkerdom.
Many people who don’t understand plonkerdom see Prince Charles as a plonker when in reality he is a modestly adroit practitioner of plonkerdom. Not an expert such as David Cameron perhaps, but one should not underestimate his expertise.