Leo - (July 23 to August 22)
With the moon lording it over our weekends and Mars hanging around Venus hoping for something new and exciting to happen, there isn't much chance of you getting your five a day this month. Not sure what that means actually, but the stars have spoken, even though Pluto is sulking in the outer quadrants as usual.
On Friday, a man with a huge bag of cucumbers will accost you in the street to ask if your mobile phone needs a damn good hacking. Walk away quickly because he doesn't mean what you think he means. He may in fact be an amateur embalmer, but that side of things is a little hazy.
Next Tuesday, your wild hunch about the guy next door turns out to be horribly accurate. Lending him your second-best flame-thrower may not have been advisable, but who can tell with Saturn being so frisky?
Underwear is less of a problem this month, although you shouldn't become complacent about quality. A few cases of militant woodworm in your office desk leave you even more exhausted than usual, but never mind, there is always chocolate. Not on Tuesday of course - that would be a disaster in view of the big lawn-mower race. I still advise against an electric Flymo here, because it's yours to lose you know after all that nightly training which annoyed the neighbours so much.
Towards the end of the month you arrive home to find dog shit on the sole of your sock, but not your shoe. You can't work out how it happened, but don't worry, the answer is beyond human comprehension. As are some dog-owners of course.